No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
