Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize