Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dick very happy bro
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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