and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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