I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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