No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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