A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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