2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
