He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i need some magic done to my vagina
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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