I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
