Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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