Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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