i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
