Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
