Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
