if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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