it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
