took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
worst night to have a conscience
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
