Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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