After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
