Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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