I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
