My cat gives me a boner
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
