i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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