hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
