im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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