Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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