I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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