She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
