woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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