Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
