Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
