So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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