there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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