look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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