I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
