You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
