Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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