Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize