I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
