I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
