I cannot find my penis.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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