I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
