He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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