I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
