I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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