he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
