She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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