I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
