FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
