I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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