cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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