why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
