i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
