I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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