all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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