textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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