Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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