I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I think i got beer on your cat.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
