do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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