the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
